please excuse my hands
by the pharoah
Summary: CartmanKyle: Cartman doesn't condone the marriage of his two best friends, but maybe he'll go, just to see if he can ruin it a bit. Cartman is selfish. :StanKyle:


Author's Note: I think CartmanKyle is amazing. -swoons- So here I am, writing a little sad angsty Cartflowski (;) fic, with some Style for good measure. Hope you will enjoy this and review, and hopefully, Cartman is in character. Well, as much as he can be liking Kyle, which makes him OOC for that. Ha, anyways, enjoy. Title from a Plies song.

**p**lease **e**xcuse **m**y **h**ands

--

Cartman is selfish. There are no two ways about it. He likes things for himself, like money, like praise, like food. Maybe that would explain his large shirts, that were still a little snug right. He can't say no when it comes to himself, and he can't say yes when it comes to anyone else. He wants everything he wants now, and he won't stop till he gets it.

Maybe, that's why there is a shredded ripped up wedding invitation on the counter.

--

Cartman likes boys. Why? Well, maybe it's because the only girl he had ever gotten close to was Wendy, a dumb hippy bitch, annd well, he can't get anything more than boys anyway. Girls don't look his way. Cartman likes it when boys submit, on their knees and groaning against his dick. Cartman hates to think about Kyle on his knees, suckling and working fast. He hates it because Kyle is a dirty, disgusting Jew, with ugly red hair and morals up the ass.

Well, that analogy did nothing to stop the throbbing between his legs as he thinks of Kyle. Cartman hates Kyle, and so he goes and takes a cold shower to wash off his sin. He wouldn't dare beat off to green eyes and freckles and a tongue dancing with the words, 'I Do.'

--

"You going to the Wedding?" Cartman rolls his eyes as he eats cheesy poofs and talks on the phone with Kenny.

"I'm not going to some wedding for fags!" He argues into the phone and doesn't even flinch. He's trained himself not to care, just like he's trained himself to insult Kyle whenver they see each other. He has to protect himself, because who would appreciate a fat ass fag coming onto them? Especially not Kyle or Stan.

"Dude! You gotta go, they're your best friends." Kenny speaks loud and clear. He long ago ditched his orange parka.

"Says who?"

"You'll never change." And Cartman hears a click.

Cartman doesn't want to go because he's sure Kyle wouldn't appreciate it.

--

He's sweating and jerking and moaning as he gives in, hand forming a tunnel for his organ as he pumps and thinks about Kyle writhing and shivering. He hadn't given in for 3 years, simply running to showers of hurting himself to cease it. He wasn't about to give Kyle the pleasure of making him touch himself.

Too late.

Cartman orders the steak on the new invitation he got.

--

He fucking came. Suit, tie, slicked hair and he's only hear to get some satisfaction from being incredibly obnoxious during the whole thing. He sees Kyle, flustered and nervous and he laughs because he knew Kyle was a perfectionist, he always did. Even his soon-to-be husband, Stan, didn't know.

"Hey Kyle. Where's your dress. Of course your going to be the fag in the dress right?"

Kyle narrows his eyes. Cartman laughs. "Nice to see you too Cartman."

Cartman watches Kyle hustlle back and forth. He (doesn't) have a nice ass. "Wow, so, a jew and a fag, your parents must be so proud."

Kyle grits his teeth. "This is not the time Cartman."

"What? Late for a last minute fuck fest with Stan?"

"What is your problem? Did you come here to harass me?!" Kyle shouted, arms raised, brows furrowed, curls falling into his eyes.

Cartman leaned against the wall and adjusted his legs to hide his little problem. "Well of course, Kyle, why else would I come? I definatly don't support the likes of your type getting married." He sneers and his cheeks heat when Kyle's eyes do the same.

"Look, gay marriage is legal now. So just--"

"I was talking about you being a jew."

Kyle looked reaad to kill. "You bastard! Don't! Why the fuck are you doing this on my wedding? Why?!" He screams, reaching to beat on the bigger boy's shoulders but he grabs his wrists with his hands and glowers.

"I thought jews were smart." He hisses before shoving the plates and glasses on a nearby table aside and violently shoves Kyle on it, leaving him in the akward position he landed in. He kisses him roughly as he pins his arms up. He grates his groin against Kyle's, he shoves his tongue in, everything he wanted to in his nightmares.

When it's all over Kyle is crying and gasping and choking and is dead shocked and Cartman laughs and walks out.

--

"Does anyone have a reason these two should not take place?"

Kyle looks at Cartman and Cartman simply glares, eyes peeling away painfully.

"I do." Kyle says and spills.

Stan is devasted, Kyle is crying, and Cartman got a kiss and later on, steak.

Cartman always gets what he wants.

--

Author's Note; I wanted this to be longer damn. Welll i like this, R&R?


End file.
